sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[yawning] Oh! Come on, Wanda.
Can't fall asleep on the job of...
finishing this crossword.
[piano ballad plays]
♪ You're in the arms of the angel ♪
♪ May you find ♪
♪ Some comfort here ♪
[muffled protesting]
I said... find your comfort! Find it!
[grunting in protest]
[grunting]
- Marshmallow pillow. - [gasps] No!
That's a tasty way to nap.
I just had the worst dream!
Sarah McLachlan coming at you
- with a broken bottle again? - No, pillow this time.
Does this mean your kid's birthday sleep-over was a success?
Ten boys, one me.
Can't let your guard down around those creeps for a second,
or you wake up with an alligator glued to your forehead.
Oh, so he liked my present?
- Present? - Yeah. The alligators.
Uh, right. Yeah! Oh, he loved 'em.
Best present ever.
Worst present ever. [splash]
See ya never, alligator. [toilet flushing]
So, how big do they get?
- Well, genetically, each kid is a... - Not the kids,
the Ginormous Expanding Gro-gators.
Put them in water,
watch them expand 600 times their size!
- Takes about five hours, but... - Guys!
Did ya hear? The town's sewer system
got completely backed up last night
- for some weird reason. - Oh, no.
- [thud] Oh, no. - Are you going to sleep again?
- # I will remember you # - [gasps] No!
♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪
♪ Look closer, baby ♪
♪ You're so wrong ♪
1x05 - Flush Photography
What's the emergency, Mom?
- Did you finally kill him? - Kill who?
Oh. Okay, then what's the emergency?
Read the fine print on this for me.
You called me here for that? Get Dad to do it.
I'm not reading any fine print. That's how they getcha.
Strain your eyes with tiny words, and suddenly you're agreeing
to terms and conditions like a chump.
And that's why we have two time-shares
- we've never been to. - The second one was half off!
The fine print says it expires tomorrow,
and that this is a gift certificate
to a photography studio that I gave you in 1997.
Geez, what's your rush?
Your dad and I need a new portrait.
Can't take another second of looking at that thing.
I think it looks great. [chomps]
Can I have your attention, everyone? [all talking at once]
Everybody? Hello?
According to the town ordinance, you need to bang the gavel
to bring the meeting to order.
[banging] [silence falls]
Wow... Okay.
Last night, the sewer system broke.
At first, it was just backed up,
but over the course of five hours, it got 600 times worse.
Well, whoever's responsible probably feels terrible.
Their own shame is punishment enough.
I'm gonna find the culprit and give them a forgiving hug.
Uh, if this is a town meeting, shouldn't Fitzy be here?
Yeah. Where's Fitzy?
Fitzy's at an important mayor conference.
[soothing music plays]
He left me in charge, 'cause he trusts me.
So until further notice, no one can flush their toilets.
- What? - Outrageous!
[Karen] Settle down!
Some of you are just saying "rhubarb" over and over.
Rhubarb! Rhubarb! [gavel banging]
Ooh, I like you. There's money in the town budget
to bring in temporary human waste disposal units.
[gasps] You mean... plasti-potties?
- Cool! - Cool?
- How many? - One.
- One? - There's only enough money
for one plasti-potty for the entire town?
Where's our tax dollars going?
[soothing music plays] [slurping]
How long are we going to have to use this, uh, plasti-potty?
Just until we can afford to fix the sewer.
So... 18 months?
- Outrageous! - That's crazy!
- This can't be... - Rhubarb!
Please, Oscar. It's going to expire.
- Portraits are a waste of money. - It's already paid for.
You wanna look at me?
Swivel your head and fill your eyeballs
with the real deal, 'cause I'm right here, woman.
You millennials...
need to stop taking pictures of everything
- and live in the moment. - I'd be flattered
if I thought you knew what a millennial was.
[knocking]
Emma? Karen said
you have the keys to the Mayor's office.
Yup, he didn't trust Davis with them.
Figured he'd get into some kind of shenanigans.
I need the blueprints to the town's utility network.
- That sounds like a shenanigan. - Shenanigan? Balderdash.
I'd like to keep talking like it's the 1800s,
but I'm busy convincing Oscar to use this coupon from the 1900s.
A $35 gift certificate from the '90s? Wow. With inflation,
- this must be worth 500 bucks by now. - 500 bucks?
Ooh. Time to cash this baby in.
Well played. [keys jingle] You just earned these.
Here are the potty protocols.
No books, no smart phones,
no "good time" numbers, and no daydreaming.
Ladies, the sprinkle/tinkle rule is in effect,
and gentlemen... aim! You shouldn't have to be told.
She's good to go.
Hey! Line up in an orderly fashion! Davis?
[gavel banging]
Where have you been all my life?
[dramatically] I have the hammer!
Anyway... Sergeant Thor and I will be policing the line.
No cutsies, no buttsies, no savesies.
- Davis! - What?
You, uh... drive a plasti-potty truck for a living?
I bet the pay is crap. [laughing]
Nope. The pay is real good.
Don't believe me? Ask my Mercedes.
- You drive a Mercedes? - No. My wife's name is Mercedes.
She does our bookkeeping.
Huh. So it's good money, you say?
What's with the kerfuffle?
It's not a kerfuffle. It's a catastrophe.
That is now the town's only working toilet.
We're not allowed to flush till the sewer's fixed.
- Mm, could be worse. - It actually literally could not be.
- Our bathrooms at work could be kaput. - They're not?
No. We're on a separate septic system.
I'll let everyone know. Hey, everybody... [muffled]
[Lacey] Half-priced pie! At the Ruby!
That's what Brent was saying.
- Oh, nice! - I love pie!
- Better not be rhubarb. - Delicious.
Uh, so, uh... any particular reason
you cram this filthy dishtowel into my yap?
You can't tell them about our toilets.
They're happy with their rancid hobo bucket.
I need to keep that bathroom a secret.
I see. Well, I can't tell anybody anything
if I got a full pie-hole.
Okay, if I were a bunch of reasonably discarded
expanding alligators, where would I be?
Huh. There's the lateral pipe to my house.
That's the storm sewer cross-connection.
If I can access a faulty manhole...
Speaking of faulty manholes, here's Hank.
What's with all the pine tree fresheners?
None of your business.
What's with the snakes- and-ladders map?
- None of your business. - All right, then.
- You gonna ring these up?
- None of your business. - It isn't?
Okay, yes, that is your business.
How long do you think it takes
- to digest a chicken pot pie? - Too risky.
I'm ordering the white rice with a side of cheese.
We've been waiting to order for ten minutes. Where ya been?
Yeah. Where have you been, Lacey?
Um, I had to... take care of a package...
being delivered... to the back door.
- Classy. - Coffee?
- No! - You trying to send us back to the line?
Typical that the bureaucrats put the town's only plasti-potty
in front of their office.
How come you're not more upset about this, Lacey?
Yeah, Lacey. You've got the smallest bladder
of anyone I've ever watched a movie with.
Why don't you have to go?
That'll keep your big mouth busy.
You know what? I am furious! [music]
We should rise up and make our voices heard!
At the town office. Away from here!
Each of us has the strength within each of us to fight.
To be tested to the fibre of our very core.
To look inside, but go outside ourselves
and those doors to fight for our hygienic dignity!
Clean hands, warm seats, can't lose!
[cheering]
- To the cop shop! - Nice!
You probably should've gotten them to pay their bills first.
Dammit.
[chuckling]
I'm gonna make a fortune when people get a look at my loo.
Hey. Where'd everyone go?
Hello.
Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?
I just had five of them.
They're not free, they're extortion.
Well, yeah, but the result's the same.
Whatever it takes to keep the bathroom secret,
- just between us. - Yup. And Wanda.
Wanda knows?
Well, who do you think installed the septic system? Me? [laughs]
[chomping] Lock her down, Brent.
- or I end the fries-and-gravy train. - Oh... Understood.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to enjoy some quiet time
in my "because I can" can.
- This is outrageous! - R!barb!
- Now, that's a kerfuffle. - What's... that doing here?
The townsfolk came to see us, and we had a vigorous debate
as to where the potty should be placed.
[all talking at once] [gavel banging]
Order. Order!
Why have you forsaken me? [all talking at once]
Okay, okay! We'll move it somewhere more convenient.
[Zeke, panicking] Occupied! Occupied!
Thanks to you, Lacey,
the plasti-potty is now in the most convenient place.
- Next to The Ruby. - Congrats!
You're the town's number-one and number-two hero.
[whimpering]
Lacey gets front-of-the-line VIP access whenever she wants.
I don't want.
The only way to secretly keep the bathroom you love
is to publicly use the bathroom you hate.
- Oh! Do I have to? - Go on, Lacey. Get in there!
- Make your bladder gladder. - You're gonna pay.
Literally. For all the food!
Everything okay in there? Didn't fall in, did ya?
Ha-ha-ha. Fall in?
Oh, I've never thought of falling in, and now...
Oh, god! Now all I can think about is falling in!
Ah-ha! That's where the pipes intersect
and you suckers have congregated.
Hey, Wanda. You're missing some great Lacey-baiting out there.
Can't talk. Gotta go wrestle some gators.
Yeah, speaking of whatever you're talking about,
don't tell anyone that our bathrooms here are...
[thud] ...working.
Huh. Yes, you may leave early. Thanks for asking.
I thought monitoring the plasti-potty
in front of the police station was convenient...
- Argh! - But this is even more convenient.
Thanks, Lacey.
[fuming]
These town by-laws are fascinating!
Did you know it's illegal
to challenge someone to a duel while holding a duck?
Ooh. Sorry. Unless you're holding a duck.
What's this, then? [engine shuts off]
Attention, plebes and plebettes!
Your days of waiting in line are over.
Now you can wait in two lines!
Behold! Hank's Pay-Per-Poo!
[sniffing] Ooh... Smells like pine trees.
Nothing but the best for my customers.
Heated seat, scented hand sanitizer,
- and a bowl of mints. - Well, that's unsanitary.
All for the low, low price of five bucks a plop.
Do you have a permit?
[laughs] You don't need a permit to go potty.
You can't put handcuffs on Mother Nature.
According to by-law 43, subsection 12-A,
"a sanitation unit shall not be placed
within the town limits without a permit."
What? How can I get a permit
when Fitzy's out of town on important business?
[soothing music plays]
Sorry, Hank. No permit, no go.
You haven't heard the last of me!
I will fight for my right to potty!
Okay. If my calculations are correct,
the clog should be right around this... Motha!
Oh! Whoa!
I really croc-blocked the whole town.
[laughing]
I wish there was someone around to hear that.
Ha! [laughs]
I booked the photographer for 5:00.
- Here. I made you hot chocolate. - Hey! Thanks.
[slurping]
Wait a minute. This tastes funny.
Are you trying to drug me so you can give me a haircut again?
Why would you think that?
Well, the joke's on you. I want a haircut!
Gotta look spiffy for this portrait...
probably worth close to a thousand bucks by now.
I even booked you an appointment at the salon.
Looking a little rough around the edges there... woman.
[snoring]
♪ Mm-mm-mm Mmm, mm-, hmm-mm ♪ [snip-snip]
True or false...
if someone doesn't pay their hotel bill,
- we can take their horse. - Please be true.
Wait. Something's not right. Look at that.
That is weird.
Two pregnant women in a town this size?
No! The line's too short.
They're probably at that swanky new loo
Hank's running outside the Foo Mart.
Unbelievable! After I told Hank he needed a permit.
You go investigate.
I'll stay here and keep an eye on this line.
- Hurry up! - [Davis] I'm hurrying.
[page flips] I can hear you turning pages.
Hmm...
Okay, carry the three, divided by "x"...
subtract the hypotenuse...
Okay! I know what I have to do!
[music]
Ahh!
[squishing]
Glad there was no one around to see that.
[disco music plays]
Karen?
Ahem. You're not on the list.
I told you, you need a permit
to place that potty within town limits.
Exactly! So I haven't placed it.
It's not illegal if it's not touching the ground.
Yeah, but... Y-you can't just...
Damn! [sighs]
There's got to be something in the binder about this.
I can't use our bathroom with all these people around.
- Fix this, Brent! - Or?
- Or I'll pull your free food privileges. - Pull my free food,
and I'll make everyone privy to your privy.
[dramatic music]
Looks like what we have here is a Mexican standoff.
No, it's not.
Oh, because we're not Mexican? That's racist!
And before you say a Mexican standoff
needs three people, it doesn't.
[music]
[Brent] A Mexican standoff just means two or more
participants cannot proceed or retreat without losing,
so they must maintain strategic tension
until an outside force changes the event.
Yes, very dramatic. But they're already making me
use the plastic stench-closet.
You're the only one with anything to lose.
Oh. Right. Plus, we're not Mexican.
Hey, everyone! I'm going down into the sewer
to find what's plugging it up.
- Who wants to go with me? - No! Don't go in the sewer!
Let the professionals fix it
within the reasonable 18 months' time-frame.
- Just use the bathroom here. - Wanda, no!
Sure. They're on their own septic system.
[everyone gasping]
And an outside force has changed the event.
Anyone want to order while they wait?
I'm sorry, okay?
But you have no idea how much I hate plasti-potties.
I swear, I'll find a way to make this right.
Wanda, you need to make this right.
You're the one who blew the bathroom secret.
You shouldn't have lied to everyone.
And you shouldn't have taken food bribes.
She's right! This is all your fault.
Me? You seduced me with your salty sauces
and your gooey gravies.
And now that we all agree that you're both terrible people,
I have something to confess.
I can't believe Hank got the best of me.
You were right, though.
These town by-laws are pretty interesting.
You read them? When?
[Davis, muttering] It's illegal to wake up a bear?
Who'd even want to?
- Come on! - My water broke!
Maybe you should take a look-see
at subsection 12-F of by-law 43.
You hold it. I'll read without touching.
It's your fault the sewer system broke?
Let's stick to what's important here...
- You flushed my present? - ...shared guilt!
If we work together, we can fix that little sewer problem.
We don't know how to fix a sewer.
I do. Those expanding animals shrink in salt water.
How on Earth do you know that?
[music]
[siren wailing]
I can just know things without learning them the hard way.
I'll get the salt.
[whump]
These just need to process for a few more minutes.
[text alert chimes] Oh! My Puber is here.
- Your what? - That'll be five bucks, Louise.
Oh, uh... [chuckles] Hello, officers.
Beautiful day to not be touching the ground.
You can keep your potty on your truck,
but according to subsection 12-F of by-law 43,
you can't use a parked vehicle for profit
without a permit either.
It's related to an early solicitation law
when ladies of ill repute would hitch their wagons to...
Whatever. I'll just keep driving.
I called it "Puber" for a reason.
- It's a pun based on "Uber"? - What? No.
It stands for "Public Urination's Better En Route."
[Louise] Hey! What's happening?
Louise... Louise?
I smell smoke.
Emma! Where's the shoe polish?
Doesn't matter. Your shoes won't be in the portrait.
- Nor will we. - Holy hell!
- What happened to you? - Hank. Hank happened to me.
Well, put on a hat or something,
because we're getting this portrait taken.
- Not a chance. - We can't afford to waste three grand!
You're sure this will work?
Yup. The water will take the salt to the blockage,
and the alligators will shrink to their original size.
Nothing could possibly go wrong.
- And yet every week, it seems like... - You ready, Wanda?
Roger that! Release the salt!
Emma, darling... how about we take a...
a nice, long walk in the park?
Mm? Take your mind off things.
Nothing's happening. Did you dump all the salt?
Yeah. Things are fizzing on our end.
Hang on.
Something's happening now. It's working!
I did it.
Water's trickling through. Now there's a stream!
In my experience, things open up pretty quick.
You might want to get out of there now.
Wha? Repeat that?
I couldn't hear you over the sucking sound.
It's really... uh-oh!
Thanks, Oscar.
This has helped get my mind off that portrait fiasco.
Tut-tut, my love. [rumbling]
- What's that sound? - I don't know...
but look, over there! Now!
[screaming] [shutter snaps]
- How'd the portrait turn out, Mom? - Not bad.
I managed to salvage it thanks to a little photo-scotching.
- You mean Photoshopping? - No.
[music]
Can't we do something about Wanda?
Already on it.
Cupid? Bit sappy... but it does the trick.
Well, if we've learned one thing,
it's that people love my gifts.
[gavel banging]
Oh, you're back to work, are you?
Good news, everyone! We cleared the clog in the sewer.
- Yay! - Woo!
- All right! - Now you can go home
and flush to your heart's content.
[cheering] Rhubarb!
[gavel banging]
The mass flushing caused the pipes to crack,
and sewage is leaking into the river.
- Aww! - How can this be?
Oh, come on! How does this affect us now?
It actually doesn't.
The leak is downstream from the town.
So? Who's it affecting downstream?
- Wullerton. [all spitting] - So we're good, then?
[music]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ The same things you don't know ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ I just... don't know ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ It's a great big place ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Full of nothing but space ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ It's my happy place ♪
[Brent] Visit us at cornergas.com